Lies and games

I hate the way you make me feel
I want to run and hide
You make me nervous, scared and shy
Get rid of this feeling inside

You say you think of me  every day
Can’t wait to touch my body
One day you want to see me
The next you run away

Looking into my eyes with love
I felt a strong connection with you
You kissed me gently and sweet
It felt amazing, right and true

I liked your house
All cosy and warm
I could’ve stayed there forever with you
Sheltered and safe from any storm

Lying next to you naked
I toss and turn on your hard bed
I said I liked your wooden cupboards
You laughed at my Howie B CD instead

You ask ‘how will I be if you meet another’
I stare at the ceiling in shock and fright
What else is there for me to know
Are you really so arrogant and full of spite

You pull away when I hug you
I walk away
Head hanging low
Why did you walk into my life that night
My mind and heart does not know

You never made time for me
Too busy with your mates
I am naïve and a fool
To think we could have been great

You said you weren’t into me
But I see you look and stare
I shake my head in confusion
Why did I ever bother to care

You can’t look me in the eye
For fear of showing guilt, desire or hate
One day you liked me
The next you hesitate

You really have no courage
Even though you act tough
You wedged in amongst my friends
When will enough be enough

It’s all rubbish what you say
I don’t believe a word
You say what you need to
To be liked amongst the herd

You push and shove your way around town
To put yourself on show
You won’t push me away from here
I am stronger than that you know

What do you want from me
Is this a game you like to play
Do you find it funny to
Tease and provoke me and
Always be in my space

I will never understand
Why you didn’t treat me right

There’s a better girl for me out there
Sweet, honest and sure
Who knows she wants to be with me
Now and forever more….

© Helen L Stevens 

Today

Today I fell in love with you and the world
Today I learnt something new
Today I celebrated
Today I laughed out loud
Today I cried in sadness and in joy
Today I was tested and passed
Today I achieved what I said I would
Today I smiled widely from the inside out
Today I empathised with my whole heart
Today I observed with open eyes
Today I was tempted and disciplined
Today I was generous
Today I shared a moment of beauty with you
Today I received something unexpected
Today I helped another
Today I listened actively
Today I desired many a delicious thing
Today I rejoiced to be alive
Today I sacrificed my time
Today I relinquished what I have lost
Today I grew just a bit more honest
Today I was grateful for what I’ve got
Today I remembered vivid dreams and glitter memories
Today I kissed your soft skin

It is for days like today
That I live
It is these moments of sublime pleasure
That I treasure

©Copyright Helen Stevens 1997

9

Looking out the window from my office floor
I remember one year ago being with her
Laughing hysterically and kissing her soft lips
I stare into space
Why do I feel so fragile and raw

I feel her when she is near or far
It’s a presence I have not felt before
Is it love, desire or my sexuality
Will I ever really be sure?

Feeling her with me makes the world bright and alive
I feel whole, complete and a connection
Like we are together not apart
Can we go back to the start?

I think about where she is across the city
Who is she with and what is she doing?
I remember good times we had together
Regretting stupid things I did without knowing

At night, I have seen her in my dreams
As a dolphin, in a carriage and on fire
Feeling weird, hurt and totally insane
I roll and twitch to shake my desire

Riding my bike across city streets
Tapping to music I sing out loud
I wish I was riding to her place today
And she could see me feeling so proud

She hates me now I don’t know why
She will never like me now
No matter how hard I try
Silly foolish and naïve I am
To think she would not make me cry

I live with the feeling of her in my heart
I cannot deny it might be here to stay
I do whatever I can to get by
Perhaps I should move far away

Seems she does not want me around
I hope she is happy wherever she goes
If it is meant to be we will meet again

I never meant her any harm
I was silly and acted like a kid
Perhaps one day when she is calm
We will be friends
And laugh together
Like we once did

I cannot go near her anymore
A different choice she has made
Gently I step one day at a time
Trying not to be afraid

When the time is right
And I am more brave
Maybe I will tell her secrets
I long to share
About what I like and
What we can do if we dare

Until then
This is the last poem
Verse or
Song for her
I wish her sweet love
Joy and fun

Finally I have said
All I have to say
Feeling shy and scared
I must quickly run away.

© Helen L Stevens  November 2011


The first time we met

I will always remember how relaxed I felt sitting next to her in the club that night. We rested on a soft lounge in the back of the room to talk and take a rest from the dancefloor. It was almost sunrise.

I spoke to her but she couldn’t hear me. She moved her body closer to mine to hear above loud music. Gently she placed her hand on my inner thigh as she moved her body next to mine. She marked her ownership of me not with possession but with tenderness and desire.

I felt like I had been by her side for many years – but it was the first time we met. She turned to talk to a random sitting beside us. All the time her hand stayed snugly resting on my leg. I liked the feel of her touch. I felt like I had come home. While she wasn’t looking I took a peek her way. I wanted to see who she was. 

She didn’t know I was assessing her. I gazed longingly at her long legs in jeans, taking in their long, straight shape. They seemed to travel all the way to her hips and continue up her back. Her strong stature was intriguing and powerful. I felt she would protect me not just for the rest of the night but forever.  I was in awe about how self-assured she seemed to be.  Her confidence was admirable and fascinating. I wanted some of it for myself.

She didn’t talk a lot. But she could easily strike up conversation with strangers. I wasn’t jealous. It made me think she knew a lot about the world and life. I liked it. My imagination wandered..it also made me think, she could take care of difficult situations for me if I ever needed her to. How wonderful that would be.

Her hand never left me while she talked drunk to the stranger. She seemed to communicate through her touch. Her hand rested affectionately on my leg, like it was our routine posture. It was like we come to the venue every weekend, this is our couch and this is how we sit beside each other. The warm, knowing touch of her hand told me she would never leave me until I was ready.

With her hand on my leg and her tall body close to mine, I felt everyone around us knew I was with her. I let go. I didn’t know what to say. I felt shy, drunk and wondered if I should get her attention. For once, there was no need for me to do or prove anything.  I relaxed. I sat quietly and soaked up the feeling of her warmth next to me.

The tender assurance of her hand on my inner thigh spoke a thousand words to me. It wasn’t primal. It was sensual and natural. I no longer felt alone in the world. She didn’t know how long I pined to feel that way. She didn’t know how deep she made me feel from a single touch in such a small moment of time. She didn’t know I felt like I had known her for a long time.

She made me feel wanted. It was the sweetest thing I ever did feel. This is how it was, the first night we met…

©Copyright Helen Stevens 2011